Shouldn’t a person who steals things from others feel ashamed? John Bradshaw discusses the difference between shame and guilt as: I am bad (shame) vs. I have done bad things (guilt).  For this reason, shame often prevents people from seeking treatment for their stealing behavior.  For many who do start treatment, shame can become a defensive obstacle that gets in the way of progress.  For example, instead of really thinking about their behavior, some people simply say, “I am a terrible person because I steal, period.”  Shame can be a tricky way of not feeling guilt and not really taking responsibility for one’s life and actions.

People in treatment for their stealing behaviors need to be able to question their behaviors, feelings and beliefs in order to break through denial about the reality of their impulse disorder.  When shame gets in the way of real thinking it is hard to build an effective intervention and a relapse prevention program.

People with kleptomania need to truly accept that they have an impulse disorder that leads them to steal and that on their own, without support they are helpless to prevent it from happening again and again.  Accepting one has an impulse disorder isn’t easy.  It means that one has to accept that they are not in control and this can be a terrifying reality.

It can also be partly relieving.  When a patient accepts their impulse disorder they can take responsibility and build a program of sobriety and relapse prevention by learning to lean on others in a healthy supportive way and by changing their behaviors and thoughts.

A significant part of the recovery process is the acknowledgement that their stealing behavior has caused harm to others.  A sign of recovery is when they feel remorse and begin to question how they plan to make amends for the problems and pain they have caused. But if shame combined with self-criticism is allowed to remain in charge and goes unchallenged it is likely that the self-defeating cycle of relapses will continue. 

Elizabeth Corsale, MA, MFT

“Sexting” is a word that combines “sex” and “texting;” it means sending a nude or semi-nude photo or a sexually suggestive message electronically. In a 2008 survey, the first of it’s kind, the National Campaign found that 20% of teens had electronically sent, or posted online, nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves. A full 48% reported having received sexually suggestive messages.

There are likely many reasons why young people might send such an electronic message.  Most teens have experiemented sexually, and it’s possible that sexting is just another available venue to do so.  For some, it could be a way of getting attention, for others a method of seduction or anther way to say, “I love you.”  The answer could be as simple as “because they can,” and some have suggested it is partially due to the proliferation (and therefore normalization) of sexual and sexualized images on the internet.

While most teens and young adults who send these photos may see it as a harmless flirty note, the potential ramifications are far greater, because once it is sent, the photo is a permanent record that is now out of the hands of the sender. Approximately 40% of teens say it is common for nude or semi-nude photos to get shared with people other than the intended recipient. In Ohio in 2008 a middle school girl sent a nude photo of herself to a boy she liked and the photo subsequently circulated throughout the middle and high school. The girls was suspended and then was taunted so viciously by her peers that she ended up hanging herself. In yet another example of where the photos might go, there are pornographic websites online devoted solely to sexting photos that include pictures of teens.

In addition to the potential lack of privacy, pornographic use, and exposure to humiliation, one of the other issues related to sexting by teens is that of child-pornography laws. Last year, shortly after he turned 18, a boy in Florida sent a naked photo of his 16 year old girlfriend (that she had taken and sent to him) to her friends and family after an argument. The result: he was convicted of sending child pornography, sentenced to five years probation, and required by Florida law to register as a sex offender.  More recently, the ACLU was able to block prosecution of three girls in Pennsylvania who had made risque photos of themselves that showed up on classmates cellphones.

Kids make a momentary decision to take a nude photo of themselves and send it, much in the way teens make many of the decisions during that time in their life. However, in this case, that photo is “out there” forever, and potentially widely dispersed for an indefinite period of time. This presents another issue related to modern technology that our society (psychology, law, schools, etc.) has not yet caught up to. Is it a crime to create and send sexually provocative photos of underage girls or boys? Thus far, this has been considered pornography. But what if the photographer was the teen themselves? Who then should be charged? Only the individual who disseminates the image, or also the teen who took the photo and sent it? If so, should it be a felony or misdemeanor? There are no easy answers to these questions, and issues such as First Amendment rights, child protection laws, and age of consent are at stake.

Some, such as Marty Klein, a Palo Alto author and sex therapist, believe the issue has been blown out of proportion. “Sexting is the latest way adults are getting panicky about teen sexuality,” he asserts. This may or may not be true. The question of sexuality and sexual rights and protection of young people has yet to be a fixed concept in our ever-changing society. However, sexting as an expression of sexuality amongst teens is potentially graver, given the permanence of it. Meanwhile, while one in five teens send or receive sexual images to each other, parents, schools, and the legal system scramble to try to figure out what, if anything, to do about it

Why does the partner of a sex addict need to get help? Many partners have found out about their partner’s sexual addiction through discovering the evidence.  This discovery leaves partners in shock, confused, and filled with overwhelming, shifting and volatile emotions.  They often feel out of control due to a powerful emotional experience of betrayal.  They can become withdrawn and shut down as they spring in action trying to exert control while still feeling out of control.  They often first encourage or demand that the sex addict gets the professional help that he/she needs.  They can become stuck in a psychological state of being on “alert” to signals and signs of slips or relapses.  They are often not able to take very good care of themselves while they try to take care of everyone else.  They are suffering deeply and for many in silence and isolation as they feel too vulnerable or ashamed to talk to family or friends.

Partners need to seek professional help so they can begin to understand that there is no shame in being in relationship with a sex addict.  They need to lean on others who they can depend on and who can help them reestablish a connection to a safe world where boundaries are respected and people can be trusted.    They need to be told and really hear that they did not cause the addiction and are not part of the problem of addiction. They need to learn all about sex addiction and what recovery for the addicts looks like so that they can establish the boundaries they need in order to take care of themselves as they heal.

Once partners of sex addicts get the help they need, they understand that the best way to take care of others is by taking care of themselves.

Elizabeth Corsale, MA, MFT